Listen up, Green Monsters! Have you had enough of those pesky animal rights extremists, pushing their nonsensical belief that all animals ought to live their lives free of exploitation and imprisonment? How horrible they’ve been to poor, beleaguered SeaWorld lately, insisting that the theme park consider releasing their captive cetaceans to a sea pen sanctuary, and even trying to bully them into engaging in public debates.

Well, fear no longer, SeaWorld fans! SeaWorld is on to those deluded activists, and is bent on foiling their sinister agenda of “deny(ing) us all the privilege of experiencing marine mammals up close in ways that are educational, inspirational and that advance science.”

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But they need YOUR help. And what better way to help them than by joining their new Truth Team: a dedicated group of online heroes who seek to spread the truth about poor, misunderstood SeaWorld via social media.

Need some advice on how to counter the outlandish claims of those animal-rights extremists? Here are five talking points to help get you started:

1. SeaWorld says that their scientific research programs are of measureless value because: “We manage the largest collection of killer whales in a zoological setting; house them in state-of-the-art habitats; and provide researchers the unique advantage of animals that are trained and able to cooperate. Researchers can monitor these individuals daily over long periods of time. In short, we create a controlled setting for science that is impossible to replicate in the wild.” Because gaining access to a group of robotic, drugged animals who have been programmed to behave in unnatural ways is every scientist’s dream, right?

2. SeaWorld also points out that they have not “collected” an orca from the wild in thirty-five years, and when they did, it was all “conducted in compliance with federal laws, pursuant to federally-issued permits at that time.” This, of course, means that they gently coaxed the orcas to the shore and housed them in tanks so vast that they easily replicated the orcas’ natural ocean habitat. The fact that the tanks appear to be too small for them is only a sophisticated optical illusion, cooked up by those darned animal-rights extremists.

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3. Want to know the truth about Blackfish? It was apparently “propaganda, not a documentary,” which employed “false and emotionally manipulative sequences concerning the collection and separation of killer whales” to trick audiences into believing that whales should not live in the “state-of-the-art” concrete tanks they adore so much. SeaWorld also slams the the “dubious reflections” of scientists who appear in the movie, because they “have aggressively campaigned against marine mammal display for decades” (campaigning against injustice qualifies as seriously dubious behavior, in SeaWorld’s book. That’s why they refuse to openly condemn the dolphin drive hunts of Taiji – because hey, the Taiji dolphin hunters are misunderstood souls too!)

4. Check out these statements from a few of the heroic voices of SeaWorld:

“There is nothing in the world that compares to having a rapport and relationship with an animal.”

“The truth is, we couldn’t love these animals more.”

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“These animals can inspire kids to grow up and help with conservation and rescue efforts.”

Another woman – who is very mad indeed about the ludicrous propaganda behind “Blackfish” – sagely states that “conservation is not sitting back and criticizing.” Hmm … that’s a little weird, as the makers of “Blackfish” seem to do a lot more with their lives than just sit back and criticize SeaWorld. A group of former SeaWorld trainers who appeared in the movie have even set up their own organization, Voice of the Orcas, which manages to engage in conservation and awareness-raising initiatives without forcing orcas and dolphins to perform tricks or inhabit concrete tanks. Many other organizations have been known to engage in this kind of crazy behavior too.

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5. Since their animal rescue programs kicked off, SeaWorld has rescued more than 23,000 animals, including 1710 endangered sea turtles. After a South African oil spill in 2000, they helped rescue more than 20,000 penguins and 700 orphaned penguin chicks, while the SeaWorld and Busch Gardens Conservation Fund has granted over $9 million to protect wildlife habitats. The fact that SeaWorld feels the need to make dolphins and whales perform silly tricks (while having loud rock music blasted into their ears), in addition to their laudable rescue work, is a little confusing, but they undoubtedly have their reasons. And all of those reasons must be concerned with the health and well-being of the animals, not SeaWorld’s desire for profit. Right?

So, there you have it, Green Monsters. SeaWorld has spoken. What does it matter if their captive orcas have to be drugged up to their eyeballs with psychoactive benzodiazepines before performing? What does it matter if animals such as Tilikum appear to lead monotonous, unsatisfying lives, or end up gnawing the bars of their enclosure to such an extent that they wind up suffering severe tooth damage? All of this is “educational, inspirational and advances science.” And the orcas love it!

Sign up for the Truth Team today – and show those animal rights extremists that they can no longer get away with their insidious propaganda.

P.S: No, this article is not a joke. SeaWorld really is seeking recruits for their new Truth Team.

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Image Source: Tammy Lo/Flickr