No Good Reasons to Still Consume Dairy: A Play in 5 Acts

Dairy Donnie and Vegan Velma have a bit of a difference of opinion when it comes to the necessity for dairy in our lives.  But forward thinking Velma just keeps giving Donnie enough string-cheese to hang himself with.

The following scenes were taken directly from their impassioned conversations regarding dairy and the continued reasons people give for consuming it. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Based on a true story…from, like, every time this conversation comes up.

Act One: My Coffee Needs Essence…of Cow

Classic Cinema Images

D- You know, I tried to use that vegan milk for a few weeks.

V- That right?

D- Wasn’t for me.  Didn’t feel right.  Felt weak.

V-  It felt weak?

D-  I think it’s because I missed having real cream in my coffee you know?

V- No.

D- I’m sayin’ I missed the creamy, goodness. In the mornings… In my coffee.  Hell, I missed the sense of that connection to the animals.

V-  Connection?

D-  Yeah.  Like drinking the essence of the cows.

V-  We’re the only species to nurse from another animal.

 D-  Cause we’re the awesomest species…that’s why.

 V-  We are eh?

Act Two: What is Life, Without Cheese on Pizza?

Fargo Film Festival

D-  And also, yeah we are… and also cheese.

V- Cheese?

D-  It tastes so good.

 V- Cheese does?

 D-  I mean,  grilled cheese on a fall day, are you kidding me?

 V-  No.

 D- On the French onion soup.

 V- Ok.

 D- Ice cream.

 V- I know.

 D-  And Pizza! Pizza! How do you have pizza without cheese?  I mean, that fresh, melted mozzarella…   I mean, answer the pizza question for me? How do you not have pizza?

 V- What I do, is choose a food whose origin is free from suffering.

 D-  Yeah but… D’ya ever have good cheese on your pizza?

V- (sigh)

D-  Like really good cheese?

 V- Maybe not.

 D-  Yeah, see.

 V-  Yeah. You getting enough sleep?

 D- Huh?

 V- Nothing.

Act Three: Calcium is Magical and Can Only Be Found in Milk

Nenagh Silent Film Festival

D-  Plus. I gotta have my calcium.  Right… strong bones and teeth you know what I mean?

V-  It’s important.

D- It is important.

V-  Lotta calcium in things like Kale.

D-  Kale? Right. Sure.

V-  Yeah, and almonds.

D- Almonds?

V-  Sesame seeds.

D-  Dude, I said calcium.

V-  Yeah. I know

D-  No, calcium… like…  for strong bones and teeth.  Calcium… like milk and cheese.  Calcium.

V- Yeah. I know.

D-  Yeah. So…whaddaya mean kale?

(pause)

V-  You put a few pounds on lately?

D-  What?

V- Nothing.

Act Four: All Those Celebrity Endorsements Can’t Be Wrong

Movie Mail

 D-  Plus you know, the “Got Milk” ads and all that… Tom Brady, Superman, David Beckham with their little milk mustaches…  It’s good for ya.  Or else they wouldn’t be able to sell it to us.

 V-  Well, they sold cigarettes on TV until they didn’t.

 D-  Well see, now that’s different. Cigarettes will kill you.

 V-  Yeah.

 D-  So…

 Act Five: If We Don’t Drink Milk…Cows Will Explode!

The Guardian

 D- Also, we’re doing them this like… huge favor.  If we didn’t take their milk they would get all swollen and suffer and be in pain.

 V- No, they wouldn’t.

 D-  Their udders would be all full all the time.

 V-  No, they wouldn’t.

 D-  I think I read that somewhere.

 V-  They make enough milk for their babies. Thats all.  Just like your mom.

 D-  Then how come there’s like… aisles of milk at the supermarket?

 V-  Got me there.

 D-  Go dairy!

V-  You should really get some rest.

D-  Yeah… I’m always tired these days.

V-  Yeah.

Lead Image Credit: Classic Cinema Images