Ah, the noble salad. The ubiquitous health food meal. John Pinnette, the American actor and stand-up comedian, considers salad as a promissory note that food will soon arrive: it’s not food at all. I trust his opinion. Now, I know that vegans and vegetarians love their salads, but I hate salad. I know that seems like an oxymoron, considering that many omnivores equate the vegan diet with salad, but really there are better things to eat than salad on a plant-based diet. So, as a rant to all those who think that whole food, plant-based vegans just eat salad, I give to you five ways how to NOT eat salad on said diet. John Pinnette would approve.

1.  Buy a steamer and use it.

Seriously, have you ever heard of Amazon? They have everything! If you want a steamer that is not made of nasty chemically laden plastic, then buy a stainless steel one, and guess what, they have that on Amazon (I don’t know who ‘they’ are, but ‘they’ are really cool). Load that steamer into your cart (wait, it’s online, so you don’t have to exert yourself, just click the mouse), and when it arrives to your humble abode, jump for joy! Buy some broccoli. Shove it in your steamer. Shovel those lovely little trees into your mouth, and enjoy it because (gasp!) it’s not salad. Yes, I know that eating raw broccoli is good for you; I’m looking at you raw foodies. Yes, I know that you can just buy a steamer basket or use the microwave, but if you have an electric steamer, you’ll feel compelled to use it, and you won’t just settle for raw broccoli—it gets stuck in your teeth more that way.


2.  Get some tinfoil and wrap stuff in it.

Do you know Costco has a 7 lb. bag of organic sweet potatoes? They are amazing. Forget those big tubs of lettuce and spinach, well, you can still buy them, but don’t make salad. For Pete’s sake, don’t make a salad. Buy those sweet potatoes and the spinach, as you wish (think of the Princess Bride), and wash the sweet potatoes real nice. Scrub them. Pet them. Love them, and then wrap them up in that tinfoil. Plop them in the oven and bake them for about an hour at 450° F. Then add in some spinach. You can still eat the spinach raw if you want, or steam it and then add it to the sweet potatoes when they are done. Don’t fool me though and cut up your sweet potato and add more spinach than potato. Don’t do that, please, that would be inconceivable. Don’t try and make a salad out of those suave tubers.

3.   Blend up your salad.

Instead of forking every little romaine leaf into your food hole, try and blend them up with some fruit to make a green smoothie! Take a pear, apple, banana, spinach, celery, and that ravishing romaine of yours and chuck it into the queen of your kitchen—your Vitamix (or your other subpar blender). All those ingredients are salad worthy, and if you blend them up you just have a liquid salad which is essentially the same thing but in a different state of matter. Solid, liquid, plasma, it doesn’t really matter. Chug that green smoothie, and your body will be happy because it has one less thing to do.

4.   Schlemmertopf

That weird word makes some wondrous eats. It’s not just a word; it’s a clay pot that is imbued with magical properties, making oil free food that is freakin’ amazing. Forget salad! After you soak the lid of this clay pot in some water, cut up some carrots, and stick it in the oven, you’ll be dead and in food paradise, never again wanting to sink so low to fraternize with some lame, apologetic salad. It takes some time to cook veggies in this smart schlemmertopf (try and say that 5 times fast), but it’s well worth the wait. You can eat raw veggies and a satisfactory salad if you so desire. You must, though, know that if you do, you’ll be missing out on a delightful, religious eating experience.

5.  Make lettuce wraps rather than salad flats.

If you are a raw food person who wants to eat whole foods, and you are at a loss of what to eat, then make lettuce wraps! They aren’t salad, per se, but you still get some greens in by consuming them. You don’t have to stick with romaine leaves though: try Swiss chard, collard greens, and maybe even kale as wraps. Find some yummy filling like hummus or lentils or quinoa and stuff those leaves with it!