Yeah, that’s right. You have to break up with your partner-in-crime (literally in crime!). Or let me re-phrase that… I would like you to CONSIDER possibly breaking it off or even maybe taking a wee break from — a little “me time” vacay shall we say — from him/her, based on opinions that are my entirely own — well, mine and a few insignificant others like oh, the former leader of the Free World Bill Clinton. Have I piqued your interest? Read on lovelies.
When I say “boyfriend” (I’m just going to use the male version here; feel free to insert the desired gender where appropriate), I’m not talking about the guy that you met through friends and are meeting later to go bowling/hiking/(fill in the blank here) with. I’m talking about your stand-by boyfriend. You know the one… your first crush. The one that led you to McDonalds on your Daddy’s shoulders to get your first Happy Meal with the coveted toy inside; the one that joined you in your junior high school lunchroom in the form of an unidentifiable food product that you joked about with your tween BFFs while listening to Madonna (when she was the coolest); the one that witnessed your first ever kiss under a tree at a picnic table in Central Park and the one who comforted you when the first kiss guy dumped you before the school dance — so kindly using his skills to fill up the emptiness with his heavy-on-the-butter sidekick Mr. Mashed Potatoes. Yes, if you haven’t figured it out yet I’m talking about your endless true love, Mr. Beefcake himself: MEAT!
What is that you say? Meat isn’t your dude? Animal flesh isn’t your bag? If that’s the case, cool! If not, let’s have a heart-to-heart chat. First of all, don’t front; how often have you dreamed of a Big Mac while driving alone down the PCH after a lonely night? How many times have you gotten dumped by the bowler/hiker/(fill in the blank here) and ran to the nearest In N’ Out burger — more times in than out — and brought THIS standby boyfriend, along with his homies, The Fries, back home with you. You probably then embarked on a solitary feast in front of the TV in hopes that he will get you feeling better with every juicy bite? Probably more times than you will admit to me, a girl you have never met till today.
Well, glad you enjoyed your days of Camelot with animal flesh. I’m here to take you on a journey into the real world. Buckle up, its gonna be a bumpy, but completely and totally glittery/ happy/ girlie/ awesome /inspiring/ magical ride on a hemp carpet that you will LOVE. I promise. I know you gals are also surely thinking “how am I supposed to celebrate the return of Spring without a hotdog with the works or eat in Little Italy without my chicken Parm? Yes you can!! Mr. Beefcake is weighing u down (literally); he’s responsible for the slaughter of over 10 billion (not a typo) innocent (and cuddly) animals each year in this country alone; he’s putting you at risk for some pretty seriously gnarly diseases; he’s the numero ono cause of global warming and a leading contributor to world hunger.
Not to be a debbie downer, but ladies, we are just too fab to get down with all that baggage! So, you are probably asking “why are you asking me to consider giving my Mr.Beefcake his walking papers when he has been such a loyal stand-in ?” I can hear you now… “Simone, he is always there wedged between two rolls of bread, dressed to the nines with tangy mustard, crisp salty pickles, sugary sweet ketchup and don’t tell- anybody- I -just- ate- this much- mayonnaise sprawled out invitingly on my new dinnerware from Pottery Barn? How can I resist?” I get it. Hey, I got with him for years myself till I made the switch ;). That is, until somebody led me through the back door of what hanging out with him really meant. It was like I suddenly cracked the code to his iPhone and saw all the real text messages he has been sending, de-coded into the truth. The vegan world is where all the cool chicks/dudes gather, conspire and plot to save the world. We have some pretty amazing members: Ellen and Portia, Russell Brand, Mike White, Alicia Silverstone, Woody Harrelson, Carrie Underwood, my boss Russell Simmons and the list goes on and on. And may I say the vegan mafia always strives to look kick ass F-I-N-E while spreading our message of kindness. Going vegan is much easier than you think- support systems online are abundant. And when you feel weak just type on over to www.mercyforanimals.com www.peta.com or www.farmsanctuary.com; they have TONS of undercover footage of factory farms and the horrors that live there for your viewing (dis)pleasure.
If you do go vegan, I can pretty much bet on you getting your skin to glow, easily dropping a few pounds — hey who doesn’t want that? — and feeling great. And you won’t just be losing weight from your upper thighs either..I’m talking about losing weight off your conscience… now who doesn’t NEED that? Remember you can’t really love someone else until you love yourself, now can you TRULY love someone who contributes to the slaughter of billions of innocent animals a year? I know I couldn’t.
Peace and Liberation for all sentient beings.