We’ve hit the big time people. Vegan’s everywhere are high-fiving each other instead of uploading Instagram pics of their Cold Quinoa Salad Surprise. We thought nothing could be better than the news about famous vegan converts like Mike Tyson and Bill Clinton but this stellar news is light-years better for our community.
We are going into space.
In 2030, when humans begin their two-and-a-half year cruise to the red planet and back, they will be feeding themselves from a vegan menu. I don’t want to shock the kale out of you but it turns out that vegan food is healthy, nutrient rich, and doesn’t rot into bacterial stew like meat, dairy and eggs. It’s one thing to hear this from the doctors and scientists in Forks Over Knives but when NASA spreads the news, it seems even more sciencey.
When I first heard about vegans winning the Space Race, I was overwhelmed with all of the exciting possibilities. Imagine being on board the Couscous-1, three months into the voyage. Earth is but a blue speck in the distance while the red planet fills the view screen on the bridge. The captain orders the shields set to maximum so we can eat without fear of surprise attack by Klingons and we head to the galley.
After Space Lunch is served we immediately dig in without needing to ask a waiter if the pasta has butter on it. None of us has to worry if the soup is made with chicken broth. We are free to get our NOMs on without asking how the bread is made and none of us need to freak out when Astro-Cheesecake is served for desert because it’s obviously dairy free. The closest dairy products are back in the Alpha Quadrant. It is a vegan heaven, in the heavens.
Can you imagine the relief of spending more than two years without explaining to anyone where you get your protein? In the black void of space there would be peaceful months at a time when you wouldn’t need to patiently explain that fish is indeed a form of meat and not something that you choose to eat. On Mars, nobody will ask you why you like animals more than people. Martian bliss.
Maybe a vegan colony can be set up on Mars. Why come home after a few short years when we could claim a new world. We’d start small, but eventually the whole planet could be terraformed and turned into a haven for animal free living. I’m picturing a kind of Total Recall meets Earthlings movie mash-up that does NOT include Arnold Schwarzenegger.
After setting up our vegan planet we can begin to grow the crops necessary to weave a spaceship armada that has lasers and transporters and all the cool toys. I would obviously lead a squadron of ships, if not the entire fleet. Our soft hemp uniforms would look similar to those worn by Star Fleet, but not close enough to infringe on any copyright laws. We might have our own planet and a mighty space fleet poised to attack, but nobody would be foolish enough to get in that kind of a legal battle.
My problem is that I’ve seen the kinds of physical endurance tests that astronauts need to pass and I’m just not capable of making the cut. That spinning torture chamber that exposes humans to extreme G-Force is way out of my league. I’d love to blast off to vegan paradise but I have a hard time with the Tea Cups at the Magic Kingdom. Even the Dumbo ride pushes me out of my comfort zone a bit. I don’t cry or anything but my eyes water a lot and I whimper. It isn’t the same thing at all.
Honestly, I just get a little nauseous from those types of fast moving rides. The big issue I have is that I try to eat a rainbow of colors from the produce stand. It is a healthy and colorful practice and not one that I want to see Jackson Pollacked all over the NASA test equipment.
Even though I wont be joining the brave veganauts on their trek to our astronomical neighbor, I am happy for them. They will fueling their exploration with healthy food and rocket fuel. Humans will be journeying further away from home than they ever have before. Thanks to their efforts we will know more about our universe and have a great example of how healthy a plant based diet can be. It will be one small step for vegans, and one giant leap for vegankind.
Image Source: NASA/Flickr