Myq Kaplan is a vegan comedian. Josh Gondelman is a non-vegan comedian. They are friends. Here is a conversation they had, about being vegan. Or not. <Cue scary music, and then forget to play it.>

MK: Comedian Josh Gondelman, why are you not a vegan?

JG: I’d really like to be a vegan.  I’m super jealous of vegans. They’re so upright and  committed to a cause and an ethos.  And it’s something I believe in, too.  I’m anti animal cruelty. I’m pro local produce. In general, I respect vegans.

MK: You are failing to answer my question! Try again!

JG: I’m just busy and lazy, and I have kind of a penchant for garbage-y foods.  I kind of love a Burger King burger every now and again.  Technically, they’re not even all meat, which makes them closer to vegan, but I don’t think that really counts.

MK: The accidental vegan diet by way of deception, the route many of us take at first. You’re on your way, but here’s the thing… you say you’re busy and lazy, but how can that be? Shouldn’t being lazy keep you from being busy? Or isn’t being busy a sign that you’re not lazy? Or are you just busy being lazy?

JG: I think by busy and lazy, I mean that my business makes me lazy about seeking out more ethical options.  So I guess busy and loosely principled?  I’m lazy about it in the same way I’m lazy about doing laundry or cleaning my apartment.  It gets pushed back in favor of work.  So I’ve got a pretty good professional work ethic, but ethically, I could do more work.

MK: You’re hired! And since you like garbage-y foods, have you considered eating actual garbage rather than Burger King burgers? Maybe you could be a freegan? Also, there are plenty of great junky vegan options out there. I assure you that you could continue to live your unhealthy life as a vegan, if you so desired. Either way, it would take a bit of work,
which I hear you enjoy doing!

JG: Freegan is a little much for me.  I appreciate that there’s a lot of waste, but dumpster diving is kind of intense.  I had a roommate who did it and got lots of great stuff, but it was always too much and then we ended up wasting most of it anyway.

MK: That’s no problem; all you need is some second-degree freegans (or second degreegans?) to pick up the slack on the waste that you’re wasting. Sound good? Great! We’re making a lot of progress here. Final question: what’s your favorite kind of vegan?

JG: My favorite kind is the stealth vegan.  The kind that doesn’t look like a hippie.  No hemp necklace.  No poncho-style sweatshirt.  You’re like: “Hey, let’s get some pizza.”  And he’s like: “Oh, thanks, can we go to this vegan place downtown?  I don’t eat cheese.”  I’m always really stoked about that.  Like you can be a vegan without being a walking posterboard for veganism.  It makes me want to do it more, somehow.  That’s a good vegan, right there.

MK: Sweet. You hear that, stealth vegans? Project: Kill Josh With Vegan Kindness But Don’t Really Kill Him is on! And Josh, you hear that? Nothing. Shh… Enjoy your new life as a vegan/stealth freegan wrangler. Thanks for chatting! Vegan out.

You can find more of comedian Josh Gondelman at www.joshgondelman.com and more of comedian Myq Kaplan at www.myqkaplan.com, as well as Twitter, Facebook, and everywhere else non-cave-people reside online.