Have you ever been so disappointed by a recipe, that you had to leave the room? Leave the house?…Maybe even the sheer grotesqueness of it all led you to call up Elon Musk and Richard Branson to charter a rocket ship to Mars? Well, these 10 recipes pushed us straight out of the stratosphere. In a bad way. Hey, if Matt Damon can grow potatoes on Mars, we think our chances are pretty good.
We’ve all been there before and they say that the best way to handle a traumatic experience is to talk about it, so today, we’re here to come to terms with the horrors we’ve seen … tasted, if you could call it that, on planet Earth.
Brace yourself for what you’re about to see and remember: whatever you do, do not make these 10 recipes. Your taste buds will regret it and you probably won’t be able to catch another rocket ship for at least four more years.
1. Cauliflower Chickpea Patties
These Cauliflower Chickpea Patties are so unsightly, it’s hard to tell whether pictures of them are prior to consumption or post. They’re not particularly tasty, nor are they great for dinner, adding to veggie scrambles, or topping for salads. In fact, the only thing you should really be topping with these patties is your garbage receptacle. Whatever you do, don’t try them on a bun with all the trimmings, burger-style. You’re just asking to be riddled with regret.
2. Sticky Peanut Cauliflower Wings
Sticky, salty, spiced, and totally addictive: these Sticky Peanut Cauliflower ‘Wings’ are something that no one would ever want to make. Just look at them. They look like the result of some hazing experiment where foods that are not meant to be thrown together are, and then someone is forced to eat it. These wings definitely won’t have everyone overlooking the main meal at dinner, and once served, these un-tempting morsels will remain untouched.
3. Green Goddess Griller
You sure won’t feel like a green goddess (or god) when you treat yourself to one of these Green Goddess Griller sandwiches! Nutty pesto, creamy avocado, and melty vegan cheese come together between two pieces of bread to create the grilled sandwich of your nightmares. Everyone knows grilled cheeses should never be customized and that all efforts to do so always end up in an inedible mess. Blech! Stick to what you know, people!
4. Moxarella Cheese
This Moxarella Cheese stays in a “melted” type form until baked, and then it forms a crust while staying gooey underneath. It’s not intended to be eaten plain, so you probably have to put it on pizzas in order to stomach it. And even then, it’s hard to get through the meal. In retrospect, don’t even bother, there’s no salvaging this one.
5. Lemon and Lavender Yogurt Cake
This Lemon and Lavender Cake is super moist and tangy, with delicate floral notes. And by delicate, we mean completely disastrous. Lemon and lavender together? Ick! Is there no semblance of order in the world? Why do people insist on combining flavors in this outlandish manner? Skip on this dessert and thank us for it later.
6. Zucchini and Tomato Lasagna With Cashew Herb Cheese
How is it possible to ruin lasagna? Well, this Zucchini and Tomato Lasagna With Cashew Herb Cheese has done it. Raw zucchini is layered with fresh tomatoes and spinach, with sprinkles of black pepper, pink salt, and coriander. Excuse us while we go barf. To make it even worse, a lemony herbed cashew cheese is thrown into the mix. Must EVERYTHING be doused in lemon nowadays? Is nothing sacred anymore?! This recipe most certainly won’t be pleasin’ any taste buds, in fact, we predict many will be infuriated at just the thought of this “lasagna.” PASS.
7. Crispy Tofu Nuggets
These Crispy Tofu Nuggets are the epitome of gross. You probably shouldn’t make them at all, but for your information, they can be baked instead of fried. The curry ketchup is like nothing you ever tasted before, and that’s only assuming you’re not a dumpster diver. We don’t recommend that you try this with your morning tofu scramble, or for lunch or dinner, hell, these crispy tofu nuggets won’t even be appetizing when you’re drunk and will eat anything. That’s saying something!
8. Blueberry Strawberry Banana Ice Cream Cake
Do you see this Blueberry Strawberry Banana Ice Cream Cake? Good. Now forget you ever saw it. It’s not creamy, sweet, fresh, or tart, and it’s definitely not beautiful to look at in any way, shape, or form. Besides the fact that blueberry, strawberry, and bananas are all fruits, they don’t go together at all. It may be easy to make, but trust us: you don’t want to.
9. Mushroom Stroganoff
This Mushroom Stroganoff SHOULD be a classic comfort food dish that satisfies your every need for comfort food. Key word: “should.” If you love mushrooms, that will end after this dish, and if you hate mushrooms, get ready for your repulsion to be even further ignited. Case in short: don’t make this.
10. Raw Lemon Meltaway Balls
If there’s one thing we wish these Raw Lemon Meltaway Balls would do, it’s melt away… from our memories. Whether you eat them plain, roll them in shredded coconut, roll them in almond flour or powdered sugar, they will disappoint you. As Cher Horowitz, once said in Clueless, these meltaway balls are a total Monet: they look okay from afar, but are a mess when you get up close.
So, there you have it. Through this cathartic journey of pain, we’ve finally come to terms with the unpalatableness of vegan food. Henceforth, we’re leaving you all on your own. If you want to try and salvage this pathetic excuse for a planet, you can try joining the #EatForThePlanet campaign. It might be the best bet you clowns have.
Peace out, Earthlings. Hello from One Red Planet! #EatForMars
Happy April Fool’s Day!
Lead image source: Blueberry Strawberry Banana Ice Cream Cake