Vegans Will Destroy the Planet

Never assume anything.

Environmental and health sciences would lead us to believe that leading a vegan lifestyle would be beneficial to individuals, society, and the planet as a whole. We might hear that the meat production industry is responsible for a nauseating amount of the carbon released into our atmosphere and think that we should avoid meat for that reason. There is a chance we may learn about the horrific conditions in which dairy and eggs are produced, leading us to believe that avoiding these products would help ease the suffering in some small way. It is possible that we might read the health reports and medical findings from around the globe that reveal the benefits of an herbivore diet and assume that it would mean longer, more productive lives for ourselves.

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False. A vegan lifestyle will be the death of us all!

I was unaware of how evil vegans were until I became one. Before then, I just assumed that some people decided to avoid animal products for personal reasons. It turns out there is a much more sinister series of outcomes that “compassionate” vegans are working towards, and I never would have known about it without the help of some well-read omnivores. These animal-dominance enthusiasts were knowledgeable, articulate, and above all, logical. This made it much easier to see their well reasoned points explaining my poor life choice.

Firstly, it is apparent that vegans care more about animals than people. If they cared about humans, would they give up cheese? Case closed!

The decision to not buy chicken wings and wear leather loafers is precisely the kind of anti-human behavior that is tearing at our moral fabric (which, by the way, is made from ostrich leather). When the vegans put the health, life, and well-being of animals before the wants and desires of humans, I’m afraid the tangerines have already won.

Then there is the whole issue of “plants rights.” Vegans act like they care about animals, but in reality they just hate plants. As it was explained to me, plants have feelings too, and broccoli actually screams.

All this time I thought veganism was a way to reduce the suffering on Earth when in reality the animal eaters are the compassionate ones. They eat some plants of course, but to reduce suffering in the plant kingdom they make sure to have plenty of factory-raised meat, dairy and eggs. We didn’t discuss the 10 pounds of plants that are required to produce one pound of meat, but they had so many other good points we never got to dissect that issue.

Economic evils abound in the vegan community (aka the Death Storm Hate Troop Squad of Doom). Before I had it spelled out clearly for me I was unaware of how close vegans were to toppling the global economy. We might be a single Boca burger away from causing the animal production and processing industry to implode!

At first I was confused because I thought that vegans accounted for roughly 2% of the population. However, that 2% must be all it takes for dairy farmers to start laying off their workers and switching the farms to handle a new kind of revenue builder: meth. Just another vegan victory.

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Finally, we get to the League of Evil Vegan’s most diabolical plan. It is the most secret and horrifying plan in place: the animals are going to take over the world. It is going to be similar the book Animal Farm but on a much bigger scale. The plan is to get everyone on Earth to adopt a vegan lifestyle overnight. It was originally thought that the movie Forks Over Knives would do this, but it seems there needs to be a plan B – it’s crucial that everyone on Earth become vegan at once. It’s the key to the whole plan.

The day after the global transition to a vegan existence the animal revolution will begin. Without people to eat the chickens, pigs and cows, there will be no way for humans to stand up to their enormous herds and flocks. Geese will chase and peck all of the ‘two-legger-no-wingers’ that they see. Humans may have the technology, but animals will have the numbers, and this is a war of attrition people can not win.

Have you ever seen Hitchcock’s The Birds? Image that but with pigs instead of birds. Mankind would have no choice but to fall to their knees before their new animal overlords. Vegan slam dunk.

Once animals are in control they will have access to our nuclear arsenal and space program. It is a foregone conclusion that animals plan to build a giant space ark and nuke Earth as they leave for greener pastures. Humans will be left to suffer as a punishment for their inhumanity. Animals love irony.

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This is exactly why I am still a vegan. Sure, I know what evil plans are afoot after having it explained to me. However, animals will need some people on their intergalactic space ark. When the animals rise up against mankind, the vegans are the only people who will be spared. I may end up in a people zoo or spend my days doing “opposable thumb” jobs, but it is better than being left behind with all of the omnivores.

Way better.